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Joke
1. crisderaud26 January 2010, 16:01 GMT +01:00
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss
and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts!
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and also
the wine selection is good.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair
accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea
because they have never been there before.
26. crisderaud15 September 2010, 16:21 GMT +02:00
Reasons to be glad you are getting older:
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
27. jimdaly9818 September 2010, 18:05 GMT +02:00
Count your blessings. In whatever quantities you want. At least he spoke American.
28. crisderaud2 October 2010, 5:35 GMT +02:00
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave an STD to his sister. I was appalled.But, as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people ....."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
29. xymonau2 October 2010, 10:43 GMT +02:00
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
30. xymonau2 October 2010, 10:46 GMT +02:00
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”
31. xymonau2 October 2010, 11:54 GMT +02:00
A young bloke in the Outback of Australia was out checking some cattle fences in his good old EJ Holden ute, when he hit something. He radioed the cattle station for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bull bars. He's still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said his station manager. "Behind the back of the seat there's a 303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp, you'll be able to get it off the bull bars and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later, the young jackaroo called in again.
"Hey, boss, I did what ya said to do, I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bull bars, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the station manager. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike.... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch!"
32. xymonau2 October 2010, 11:57 GMT +02:00
A young bloke in the Outback of Australia was out checking some cattle fences in his good old EJ Holden ute, when he hit something. He radioed the cattle station for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bull bars. He's still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said his station manager. "Behind the back of the seat there's a 303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp, you'll be able to get it off the bull bars and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later, the young jackaroo called in again.
"Hey, boss, I did what ya said to do, I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bull bars, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the station manager. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike.... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch!"
33. crisderaud7 October 2010, 3:18 GMT +02:00
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATHOFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700
PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSEMARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST.. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.
34. jimdaly987 October 2010, 18:55 GMT +02:00
"stumbled" across this site
http://atdpweb.soe.berkeley.edu/2130/tstadelman/websiteproject/jokes/zen_quotes.html
36. crisderaud8 October 2010, 16:34 GMT +02:00
Indian Wanting Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
37. xymonau30 October 2010, 10:41 GMT +02:00
Three Aussie blokes were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are'."
38. mzacha1 November 2010, 16:57 GMT +01:00
Poruchik Rzhevsky is putting his riding boots on and is about to take leave of a charming demoiselle he had met the previous evening. "Mon cher Poruchik," intones the siren, "aren't you forgetting about the money?" Rzhevsky turns to her and says proudly: "Hussars never take money!"
39. crisderaud1 March 2011, 14:55 GMT +01:00
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
40. Groningen1 March 2011, 19:05 GMT +01:00
@39
another version:
A little girl and her mother are watching a couple getting married.
The girl asks "Why is the woman wearing a white dress?"
"Because it is the happiest day in her life"
The girl thinks about this and the asks..
"Why is the man wearing a black suite?"
41. crisderaud22 July 2011, 13:52 GMT +02:00
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was. .
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
43. crisderaud11 September 2011, 5:01 GMT +02:00
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
45. happyture2 October 2011, 11:05 GMT +02:00
http://uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/Can-cleaning-chemicals-save-yahoofinanceuk-4116717774.html
Ohhhhh, dear, smarts a bit when you rub the lemon around your face but what the hell, i saved 20p on a bar of soap!
46. xymonau2 October 2011, 12:17 GMT +02:00
I like using natural stuff, to be honest. Lemons make my skin sting, so they're out. But you can make a really nice surface cleaner with washing soda, vinegar and eucalyptus - with some dishwashing detergent - and it smells wonderful and works so well. If you want to save or pay off your mortgage, you have to make lots of small savings everywhere you can.
And you missed behind your ears!
47. mzacha20 October 2011, 16:31 GMT +02:00
Some Russian jokes (in the matter of fact, some of them are Polish and Czechoslovakian). I love Stirlitz! ;-)
Müller was walking through the forest when he saw two eyes staring at him in the darkness. "An owl," thought Müller. "You're an owl yourself!" thought Stirlitz.
Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out.
Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a refrigerator," concluded Stirlitz.
Upon exiting the bar, Stirlitz received a strong blow in the back of the head. Turning around, he saw that it was the pavement.
Stirlitz wakes up to find out he has been arrested. "Who got me? Which identity should I use?" - he wonders. - "Let's see. If they wear black uniforms, I'll say I'm Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green uniforms, I'm Colonel Isayev". The door opens and a policeman in a blue uniform comes in saying: "You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!"
SS men blocked all exits from the building. "Idiots" – he thought and went out through the entrance.
Stirlitz and Kathe are walking through the park. A gunshot rings out. Kathe falls. Blood flows. Stirlitz, relying on his keen instincts, immediately gets suspicious.
On May Day, Stirlitz put on his Red Army cap, grabbed a red banner and marched up and down the corridors of the Reich Security Office singing the Internationale and other revolutionary songs. Never before had Stirlitz been so close to failure.
In the Reich Security Office, Müller, Himmler, and Bormann are all standing in the cafeteria line, patiently waiting their turn. Stirlitz enters and passes everyone as he strides directly to the head of the queue. He is served immediately. Müller, Himmler and Bormann are baffled. What they didn’t know is that a Hero of the Soviet Union has the right to receive service without having to stand in line.
Bormann and Muller having a coffee in Muller’s office. Once they see Stirlitz sneaks in and steals a lot of secret documents from the vault.
Who was this one ? asks the stunned Bormann.
This one? The Red Army’s best agent in Berlin, replies Muller
And why don’t you catch him ??? asks Bormann
Muller frowns. Eh, I keep trying for years now, but he always slips out of my hands..
Bormann wakes up at 03:00 at the sound of someone bashing on his door. When he opened the door, he sees a man in snowsuit with ski-equipment and parachute on his back.
- The elephants are going to the north!!! said the stranger with a strong Russian accent.
- The elephants are going to the Hell! replied Bormann angrily. Stirlitz lives one story upstairs!
Stirlitz blasted the door open with a mighty kick and discreetly tiptoed toward Müller who was reading a paper.
The end of the war. In the Reichstag everybody sits in depression. Hitler walks around in the building desperately, but no one gives a damn about him. Finally he enters in Stirlitz’s office. Stirlitz jumps up:
Heil, Hitler!
Hitler, replies in a tired voice:
At least YOU don’t bully me, Maximovich!
49. crisderaud21 November 2011, 1:36 GMT +01:00
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense...........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
